


Calculated Risks

by Cardinal_Daughter



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Study, Dry Humping, Feelings Realization, Flirting, Library Sex, Light Angst, M/M, Making Out, Mutual Pining, Neck Kissing, Pre-Relationship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 18:07:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18816241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cardinal_Daughter/pseuds/Cardinal_Daughter
Summary: Caleb knows a calculated risk when he sees one.





	Calculated Risks

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck. I ship it. I ship it so much. Damn you, magic boys and your delicious, angsty potential.

 

 

 **Calculated** **Risks**  

 

 

Warm breath sends chills across Caleb’s skin, goose flesh prickling over his scarred arms and neck. A heated kiss follows, drawing out a sigh from the wizard as he parts his lips to let Essik’s tongue brush across his bottom lip before the drow sucks it between his teeth, nipping the skin gently before releasing it and soothing the bite with another soft kiss. The cycle repeats, soft kisses being chased by a dangerous scraping of teeth before those lips, soft and warm and capable of all sorts of brilliant magic, moves lower, sucking on the skin of Caleb’s throat, leaving a bruise that very nearly matches the flush of his partner’s skin.

A small part of him, the part that can still think, though just barely- wonders how on earth he managed to get himself in this position. It’s a lovely position, back pressed against the shelving of one of the bookshelves in his library while Essik is pressed hard and hot against his front, lips grazing in a manner far too practiced and controlled for Caleb’s liking. The man is never anything less than perfectly composed, and images flash in Caleb’s mind of a moment when he might see the Shadowhand come undone. Mused hair, flushed skin, cloak askew and half-unbuttoned: it’s a flattering look on the man, even if he currently only exists in Caleb’s mind.

Caleb recalls that they had been studying. Or, well, they’d used studying as a ruse for flirting through arcane means, each showing of the extent of their abilities and teaching the other simple, paltry spells in an attempt to fluster the other to the point of breaking. The problem is, Caleb has no idea who won. He doesn’t recall who moved first. He just knows that arcane phrases and precise gestures tracing symbols in the air have been traded for heated kisses and wandering hands, and he _thrills_ at just how perfect it is  

After a moment, Essik lifts his head to press another kiss to Caleb’s lips, the wizard returning it eagerly with a soft moan. One of his hands slides into Essik’s hair, fingers gripping the soft strands tightly, and the thought of seeing Essik disheveled when he pulls away forces another groan to slip from him, Essik swallowing the sound as his lips move skillfully over Caleb’s  

Trapped as deliciously as he is, Caleb has no choice but to surrender to Essik’s advances. Not that he’s complaining. This is exactly how Caleb wants it- he spends too much time trying to control every situation, control his emotions, control his magic, control his idiot friends from doing something stupid and getting them killed- that it’s lovely to simply let go; to let Essik take charge as he clearly wants to do, and for Caleb to simply be used in such a delicious and delightful way.

The part of his mind that still has any amount of coherence to it screams out in disagreement: says he should not be quite so responsive to the Shadowhand’s touch. But Essik has intrigued Caleb from the moment they met, and now that this thing between them has finally burst, now that the tension has become too stifling to retain its shape, now that they’ve both collapsed under the heady weight of what they both so desperately want, Caleb can’t find himself able to care about _shoulds._

Especially not when Essik shifts and presses one leg in between Caleb’s, the friction the movement offers causing Caleb to gasp, lips parting further, breaking the kiss. Essik to laugh softly and nudges against Caleb’s nose with his own. “I take it that meets with your approval, then?”

Caleb doesn’t reply; rather he allows his hands to slide down to cup Essik’s ass and tug him closer, and both hiss at how good it feels. Essik recovers quickly and lets out another soft sound, a mix between a laugh and a sigh. “Noted.”

He watches Caleb for a moment, then closes the paltry distance between them with another smothering kiss, and Caleb melts against him as if he were caught under the direct heat and light of the Nicodranis sun. Essik’s hands shift, one sliding around Caleb’s waist, pressing his lower half closer, while the other hand keeps purchase on the back of Caleb’s neck, lightly squeezing and toying with the ends of Caleb’s hair. Essik uses the grip to gently tilt Caleb’s head, and he uses the leverage to kiss a trail up to Caleb’s ear, biting the lobe gently before sighing almost wistfully, “The things I want to do to you, my dear boy…”

Caleb groans weakly and uses his grip on Essik to tug him closer, grinding his hips against the Shadowhand’s. Upon hearing the small, surprised gasp from Essik, Caleb repeats the gesture, loving how, in response, Essik uses the hand on Caleb’s waist to dig his fingers into the boney flesh, using his hips to pin Caleb back against the shelves. “Ah, ah. One of the most important aspects of developing one’s magic is patience, Caleb. I’m sure you’re quite adept, as powerful as you are.”

“You,” Caleb breathes, “Are a bastard.”

“A bastard,” Essik replies smugly, pausing to drag a slow, sultry thrust against Caleb which causes the wizard to groan as Essik continues, “Who is currently in control.”

Caleb feels a mix of emotions at that. First and foremost, he feels desire. Hot, heavy, thrumming in his groin as Essik resumes kissing him, more teasing brushes against his lips than anything. This part of Caleb wants nothing more than for his brain to go silent and let him enjoy something for once in his life. He’s in a nice, safe home, far from Trent (though the man is an ever present concern), and he has a beautiful man kissing him in ways he’s not had the thrill of experiencing in years. A part of him wants it to be that simple. A part of him wants nothing more than to let Essik have his way with him, strip him bare and take him over and over again, until Caleb is so wrung out he can’t even remember his own name. He wants more of this: more study sessions that bleed into moments of passion, locked in the library with the first person he feels might _truly_ understand him in a long time. He wants this, wants to stay here and learn Dunamancy and be Essik’s and have the weirdest house on the block and Essik in his bed while the others tease and slowly Essik blends in so seamlessly that he’s a part of the Nein whether he likes it or not.

The other part of him however, ever shrinking but still annoyingly present, feels a pang of despair. Caleb is a rational man, prone to over-analyzing and pragmatism. He knows nothing in life this good is ever simple, or so easily earned.

The truth of the matter is, whether Caleb likes it or not, is that Essik is- well, he’s not the enemy- though Caleb hesitates to outright call him an ally. They have a common goal, for now, and in that Caleb feels no guilt about indulging in one of the more baser parts of his being. He’s punished himself through neglect for years- food, cleanliness, relationships- he’s deprived himself of it all in the name of atonement. But with Essik he finds he can no more resist the man than he could resist the call of Dunamancy. In some ways, they are one in the same, Essik and magic.

But despite the utter delight he feels, despite the longing and the ache between his legs and the feral need for Essik to hurry and get him naked, he knows this is doomed. He knows this can’t be anything more than a casual fuck in the Xhorhaus. It’s merely a moment in time, not built to last.

Caleb knows- without actual proof, but he hasn’t lived this long by not trusting his intuition- that Essik is only here because the Bright Queen wants to ensure the Dynasty’s new heroes aren’t playing them for fools. He knows Essik is here, teaching him rudimentary Dunamancy as a test of good faith to the Cause. “ _I’m interested to see what you do with those spells,”_ Essik had said upon teaching Caleb the first of several spells. Caleb knows what that means. He knows Essik is testing him; knows that these abilities will be monitored. Knows that if he slips up, the Dynasty will know. Essik will know.

Beyond that, however, he isn’t sure _why_ Essik has chosen this method of keeping tabs on him. He knows Essik is here, not because he wants to be, but because he has to be. And if he _has_ to be here, well, Caleb doesn’t blame the man for getting something nice out of it for himself. Caleb suspects, were the tables turned, he’d have Essik pinned to a wall too. Though it does beg the question of _why_ this? Caleb is certain the flirting would have been more than enough. He knows how this game works, and coy flirting, a lingering tension that never seems pulled quite taut enough to snap would have been more than enough. A few minor spells, a few well placed touches, and Caleb knows that it would have been enough. But instead, Essik has locked himself in the library with Caleb, and has been slowly and methodically pulling him apart in the most lovely of ways.

Caleb knows a calculated risk when he sees one.

Keep tabs on the strange turncoats but also enjoy some good, casual sex on the side? Not a bad trade off. Caleb can appreciate the forethought, if he’s honest. But he also understands just how risky this is: feelings have a better chance of clouding the mind. The heart gets involved, and suddenly everything that was once so certain cracks, and in the spaces between certainty and clarity, doubt creeps in.

Caleb suspects, as experienced as he’s certain the Shadowhand is, that he will crack in any way.

Though, Caleb had once been just as certain about himself.

That thought makes Caleb involuntarily stiffen, and Essik pulls back, sleek brows furrowed in concern.

“Something wrong?”

“Nein,” Caleb breathes, silently cursing himself. He tries to think of an excuse that doesn’t force him to confess he’d been thinking of his dead parents while making out, and so merely settles on a different, but still honest, truth. “It’s just uh... been a while. My patience is… not as cultivated as yours, it seems.”

He sees Essik’s eyes soften, just barely, and a small, thoughtful hum escapes the drow. “It doesn’t show. That tongue of yours is quite talented. Both in arcane matters and... otherwise.”

“Well, I would hate to disappoint. In arcane matters or otherwise,” Caleb says softly, surprised at how genuine the words are. He knows better than to let his feelings get in the way. He’s allowing this to keep Essik close, to monitor the one monitoring him. It’s supposed to be simple: they don’t trust one another even as they develop trust between them.

But that other part of Caleb- the part that wants this to be _something,_ that truly is attracted to Essik; the part that is tired of running, of hiding, of fighting of denying himself- he desperately wants to give in, simply sink into Essik’s embrace, and forget everything else. He wants this to be more than _keep your enemies close_ , because he does not see Essik as the enemy. He doesn’t think he could, even if Essik were to stick a blade through his chest this very moment.

Damned though it might make him, he’s ridiculously fond of the Shadowhand.

“My dear Caleb. You have yet to disappoint me.”

A small smile slips across Caleb’s lips. He thinks of all the people in his life he’s disappointed. Thinks of how much he doesn’t want to add Essik’s name to the list.

“There is time yet.”

A soft, delicate hand traces over Caleb’s cheek, brushing some hair out of his face. “You are too hard on yourself, I think.”

“You only say that because you do not know me.”

He watches Essik’s face. Watches the stoic features- still far too composed for what they’re doing- soften further. He looks for pity, but doesn’t see it. He looks for a hard line of determination, of storing away useful information for further exploration and potential exploitation. He looks for a hint of distrust in those perfect golden eyes. He’s surprised when all he sees is understanding; when he sees a mirror of a boy who was born with great power at his fingertips. He sees a kindred spirit, his opposite yet his match. He sees those beautiful eyes search his for the same things Caleb is looking for; sees relief when they aren’t found.

“I would like to know you,” Essik says softly, and the words are what Caleb practically expects to hear, but the sincerity in Essik’s eyes and voice surprises him. The cocky air in which he normally speaks is replaced with a soft and genuine whisper, as if he knows he should not be confessing such a thing, but is powerless to do anything else.

Perhaps Essik is at war with himself too.

Perhaps his calculated risk of keeping Caleb close is backfiring, leaving him emotional and vulnerable.

Caleb knows he can use that. Manipulate it and twist it and turn it to his advantage. Knows he can charm Essik- thicken up the accent a bit, show off his magic with a little more flair. Let him meet Frumpkin. Show him just how much patience he has when it’s Essik on his back desperately begging for release. He knows he can turn this attraction between them into something useful.

Instead, he leans forward, lets his lips brush against the drow’s before leaning back and offering up the most genuine smile he can. “I’d like that, too.”

The veneer of Essik’s composed facade cracks. Caleb sees the relief in Essik’s eyes, the delight that threatens to make his lips curl up in a grin. To save him from such embarrassment, Caleb shows the drow mercy by leaning forward once more to slide his lips over Essik’s, hot and heady and full of longing. He doesn’t think about how he’s kissing the man to hide the fact that his own veneer is cracking too.

Before things can progress further, before they can pick and prod at each other enough to cause those cracks to fully shatter, a knock at the library door startles them. They do not break away- Essik placed an arcane lock on the door after one too many interruptions in the past couple weeks, so they merely cease kissing, but remain pressed close together.

Caleb swallows, and calls out, “Ja?”

“Sorry to bother you.” It’s Nott, and Caleb feels himself smile as his dearest friend speaks from the other side. “Beau wants Yeza to make a few healing potions for her. Will we bother you if we come in?”

Without breaking eye contact with Essik, whose fingers are lightly brushing against his side where his shirt has rucked up a bit, he replies, giving Essik an apologetic look. “We are nearly finished. Give me two minutes and you can have the lab.”

“Oh, okay! Thank you, Caleb! I’ll let Yeza know.”

He waits a moment to ensure Nott has left, then sighs and lets his head fall back against the shelf. “The joys of having eight roommates.” He can’t find himself upset, however. He likes having roommates who interrupt him while he’s trying to get laid. It’s a strange sort of normal. It makes him feel human.

“Nearly finished, hmm?” Essik teases. Caleb lowers his head to meet the Shadowhand’s gaze.

“I suppose we will both get a valuable lesson in patience today,” Caleb smirks.

“Perhaps,” Essik agrees lightly, looking away for a few moments, as if he were debating on something. He has yet to step away from Caleb, and Caleb isn’t going to push him away, even if they only have one minute and eleven seconds before they need to vacate the room. He doubts Nott will hold him to such a precise standard anyway.

Finally, Essik looks at him, and that same look of surprised genuine longing is even more noticeable.

“Would you like to come back to my home?”

Caleb blinks. Has to force himself not to instantly exclaim _yes!_

“Oh? Do you have more magic you wish to teach me?” He says instead, coy and flirtatious, grateful when Essik smiles and a small laugh escapes him.

“I was actually thinking dinner and conversation. Though, if you’re so eager to learn, perhaps there is something we could study in depth after.”

“Oh?”

Essik leans forward and places a soft kiss to Caleb’s lips, full of promise and sincerity. “Each other.”

“That is a _terrible_ line,” Caleb whispers with a breathless laugh, “But I eagerly accept.”

The smile on Essik’s face is fleeting but sincere, so much that Caleb’s heart aches. One last kiss is quickly shared between them, then Essik pulls away, magically displacing his spellbook before methodically ensuring not one seam or hair is out of place. To anyone else, he’ll look composed and as self-sure as ever. But Caleb has seen the cracks in the facade, sees the small, golden spark of hope that perhaps they can share something nice and pure and wonderful together, even when by all rights it shouldn’t be possible.

He feels the same cracks in himself, feels the same fluttering hope trying to sprout wings in his chest. And so Caleb, despite how much he knows he shouldn’t, despite how much he knows it is unwise and unsafe, decides right then to take the biggest calculated risk of his life:

He’s going to let himself fall for this man, and he’s going to trust that as he plummets to the depths below, Essik follows him down.


End file.
